Reading (For Dummies)

How Not to Date Online

I've experimented in recent months with dating around, mostly using online services (such as the good old Spring Street Networks, Friendster, and Orkut). In this process, I have learned much about online dating. These simple rules can be used by any straight male attempting to woo a straight female online (or not, read on).

Rule #1: Don't offer a method to contact you. Women seem to be turned off if you offer your e-mail address, AIM name, or heaven forbid your phone number. Worse yet, never give them more than one method to contact you, as you will certainly never hear from them. This rule joins nicely with my Suspicion #1.

Suspicion #1: On pay services (such as Spring Street), I suspect that most of the women are actually service employees, around to get hapless male users to waste their credits sending them messages. This theory is backed up by Rule #1, which seems to be particularly harshly implemented on pay services: Offering ways to contact these "fake," women offline means the gig is up.

Rule #2: Don't wax philosophical or political. On the off-chance that you find someone actually willing to talk about politics or philosophy, they will either be very very stupid, in which case you'll wonder why you bothered wasting your time (or money, see Suspicion #1), or they will be much more hardcore than you (or, at least, much better users of Google), and you will be intimidated.

Rule #3: Don't sarcastically make fun of her. This rule applies especially to those women who claim in their personal ad to be, "extremely sarcastic," and have, "an excellent sense of humor." I suspect that women who put such phrases in their personal ads actually do it to compensate for a self-realized lack of ability to take a joke.

Rule #4: Never ask a serious question about anything not directly relating to her life in an attempt to get conversation moving along. Doing so will only prove (1) your idiocy, or (2) your inability to use Google to find information. See also concluding remarks.

Rule #5: Never ask for information directly relating to her life in an attempt to get conversation moving along. Doing so will only prove (1) your idiocy, (2) that you are this woman's new, "internet stalker," where your messages will be shared (likely modified) with all her friends to prove what a creepy guy you are, or (3) your inability to use Google to, "stalk from a distance."

Rule #6: For cryptography nerds: don't digitally sign your messages in an attempt to circumvent Rule #5. Women think that shit is weird. And nobody will check your signature anyway.

Suspicion #2: Everyone who uses an online dating service does so for a good reason -- they have washed out of the regular dating scene. This Suspicion applies to everyone but me, of course...

Concluding remarks: While online dating seems like it would be better (i.e. you can know a little bit about your target before you even approach, you can take your time to come up with witty conversation, etc), the very things that make it great make it worse than its meatspace equivalent.

For example, when meeting women at a bar, say, you have a much better shot at lying about your interests so that they mesh with your target. Attempts to lie in this manner on a dating service will almost surely fail, as most feature a, "profile last updated," timestamp that will inform your target that you modified your profile shortly before messaging her. In real life, it just takes a steady set of nerves to say, "Yes, I am also interested in <knitting/reality television/feminine hygiene products>." On the down side, when dealing with people in real life it becomes somewhat more difficult to consult Google, thereby pretending to know more about a subject than you actually do (see Rules #4,5).

So these are my guidelines for using online dating services. If you stick to these rules, you are sure to meet a nice woman. Probably at a bar. Good luck, boys!